How To Get Your Ex Back

Incredible, exciting, and fulfilling dating relationships don’t “just happen.” You aren’t going to “luck into” one.

You know it takes hard work and effort on the part of both people. And you already know so many of the good things you need to invest to make a relationship work well. You know about establishing trust, communicating effectively, and learning to deal with conflict... All of those powerful things that we regularly talk about at Digital Romance, and I especially go over in Capture His Heart... which you can grab at

But those “big” things (like trust, or dealing with conflict) all come into play when you're starting to really dig in to a relationship...

What are the things that are mission-critical when you first begin dating?

Because one wrong step could conceivably blow the whole thing up before it even gets started.

So what are the relational land-mines you absolutely MUST consider during the very first date or two? What are the key factors that could set your entire future with a particular man up for success (if done right) or failure (if ignored)?

Several of these are things you probably already know, but a few may try to sneak up and bite you in the fanny. Don't let it happen!

But if you do, know that you're not the only chica who's had to smack herself on the forehead and say “Aaargh! I knew better than that!” Just don't hang on to your mistakes forever. Chalk 'em up to lessons learned, then forge ahead! So many good things are waiting for you...

Mistake #1 : Sacrificing or negating who you are

Mistake #2 : Being a man’s mama

Mistake #3 : When you're not in it to win it

Mistake #4 : When you kill his thrill of the chase

Mistake #5 : Insincere or unspecific praise

Mistake #6 : Ignoring the power of not...quite...saying everything

Mistake #7 : Premature enunciation

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How Hormones Can Ruin a Great Relationship

Think about how many times you've been in a great mood, looking forward to seeing your partner. You would have spent the day doing things that made you feel better about yourself. If you're female, you might have spent some time working through your stress by talking to your girlfriends about various issues you have, which would have raised your oxytocin levels.

You would have been feeling great!

Yet, when your ex finished work for the day, he would have been stressed and wound up after a hard day. He has absolutely no desire to talk about his problems because this increases the wrong type of hormone within his system. All he wants to do is unwind – maybe solve the problems of the world sitting in front of the TV for a little while.

But he's now faced with a partner who wants to talk and share and cuddle and be loving right at that moment where his stress levels are high and perhaps even unmanageable. He hasn't had a chance to unwind from his own stressful day yet, but he's now confronted with a partner who's feeling fine and doesn't seem to understand his needs at all. This is a simple example but do you see the problem here? Even the best relationships can be destroyed by these simple hormonal differences between men and women if there's a lack of understanding about them.

Of course, there are relationships that go wrong for other reasons. 

When Good Relationships Turn Bad

When Relationships Go Wrong for Other Reasons 

Men and Women are Biologically Different

You may think that this is stating the obvious, but apart from the obvious differences, there are vital hormonal and other biological differences that set us apart.

For example, did you know that in order for men to decrease their stress levels, they'll often look for ways to increase testosterone? This means they'll watch the news when they get home from a long day, seeking to find ways to spark their own "fix it" mode. This means they may enjoy grappling with other people's problems because it sparks a need within them to try and solve the problems of the world. That may be what he is thinking about even though he might be stationary on the sofa. He will be unavailable for real-world problems while he is getting his own stress levels sorted out.

When their testosterone levels are raised, they'll feel much better about the world and seek to remedy their own problems only after they've calmed down enough after a hard day at work, where they’ve spent the day trying to show their loved ones how much of a good provider they can be.

Unfortunately, women have the completely opposite biologically drives, which can cause problems within a relationship. For example, when a woman has increased testosterone levels within her body, it can actually increase her stress levels, causing her to want to fight about trivial matters that her partner can't possibly understand.

In order to reduce stress levels, women will find ways to generate the hormone oxytocin. Curiously, oxytocin is known in non-scientific circles as the "cuddle hormone" and it's been linked strongly to maternal behavior as well as being the bonding hormone that makes a woman want to bond more strongly with a partner.

Now, for women to create oxytocin, they need to feel loved, cherished and appreciated. When they tend to feel as though their partner is withdrawing from them, for any reason, this actually causes the hormone testosterone to flood their system instead which raises their stress levels and can tend to make them defensive.

For a man to experience a decrease of testosterone, conversely, he experiences a similar reaction where his own stress levels increase and this makes him defensive too.

Interesting stuff … eh?

When Good Relationships Turn Bad

It's unfortunate that sometimes even the very best relationships go sour, but, even if we cannot see it, at first, there is always a reason.

There are actually countless reasons why good relationships turn bad and end up with a break-up. You might have endured meaningless arguments or you might have simply found that your ex stopped communicating with you completely and then pulled away, leaving you in the dark about what was happening.

 People who are hurting and unsure of where their partner is at in the relationship often end up doing the exact opposite of the things they should be doing to bring their ex back to them.

This is because men will tend to do the things that seem logical to a man and women will tend to try the tactics that they would want to see. It is a big lesson to learn that men and women think differently. Applying male logic to the problem of winning back a female is usually counterproductive as is the reverse i.e. applying female logic to the process of winning back a male.

The really sad part about this is that, despite their best intentions, in these situations, both men and women tend to do things that will actually turn off and push away the person they really want to bring back into their lives and without even knowing they're doing it.

This means they're often doing the complete opposite of what they should be doing to bring back their ex and make that person a part of their lives again, yet they're totally unaware of it. Think about it. Is what you're doing right now to get your ex back working for you? Or is it just driving that person further away from you, making you feel even worse than you already do?

Let's look at some of the things men and women think about during relationships and how they view the actions of their partner.  These insights can often bring about a much deeper understanding of what might have gone wrong within the relationship and bring a deeper knowledge of what to do when good relationships go wrong.

Premature enunciation

Mistake #7 : Premature enunciation

What EVER you do, you don't want to come across as needy. Because you aren't.

Your life belongs to you, and you are numero uno here. He may be welcomed in, but you don't settle for scrubs, and he's going to have to win your attention because it doesn't come for free. You are in control of this relationship, you rockstar.

 DON'T GUSH over him as if nobody has ever paid attention to in your life before.
(And I don't care if that's actually true – that you haven't been paid attention to before now, PRETEND it's not.)

Your job is to let him think this relationship is unfolding naturally, and he has a part in it.
But he's not the whole burrito, baby.

Be as excited as you want to with your BFF; hop around and squeal and stay up all night talking about him on the phone, but never let on to him that that's what's happening.You're calm, collected, and unbelievably fabulous. He is so fortunate to be dating a woman like you!

Mistake #1 : Sacrificing or negating who you are

Mistake #2 : Being a man’s mama

Mistake #3 : When you're not in it to win it

Mistake #4 : When you kill his thrill of the chase

Mistake #5 : Insincere or unspecific praise

Mistake #6 : Ignoring the power of not...quite...saying everything

Insincere or unspecific praise

Mistake #5 : Insincere or unspecific praise

This screams “desperation,” and it's not an attractive thing.
In fact, it also sometimes falls into the “Don't mother your man” category as well. You know the kind of moms I'm talking about.

Their precious little baby-waby can do no wrong and she praises him for every perfect hair on his head, whether it's crusted in pancake syrup or not. He's her big champion for every belch, potty, and bored crayon
smear. No matter what he does it's a “Good job!” Bleh.

Look for things that are praiseworthy and let him know what he's doing right in sincere, straightforward terms. Remember, you want a man, not a little boy. And you are a genuine prize, not one of those pretty but aimlessly chattering babes that's hardly worth a second thought.

Mistake #1 : Sacrificing or negating who you are

Mistake #2 : Being a man’s mama

Mistake #3 : When you're not in it to win it

Mistake #4 : When you kill his thrill of the chase

Mistake #6 : Ignoring the power of not...quite...saying everything

Mistake #7 : Premature enunciation

Ignoring the power of not...quite...saying everything

Mistake #6 : Ignoring the power of not...quite...saying everything

Okay, this one is a touch more tricky. Sometimes it looks like simply not saying
everything you know. But there's also a more subtle tool here, and you are going to love
using it.
I sometimes call this the art of the unfinished sentence. The purpose of an unfinished
sentence is to let him know he's made you speechless (in a good way), or to allow and
encourage him to fill in the blanks with his own version.

It looks like this:

• He comes to pick you up, and it's clear he put a lot of effort into dressing to the nines.
• You say: Wow. You look.... (take a deep breath, and bite your lip)
• Last night he was incredible, amazing, unstoppable.
• Today you text him and say: I can't stop thinking about last night when you...
• Today he's working on some bizarre project in the garage. You have no idea what it is.
• You say: Verrrry interesting, all this. So tell me... 
• Just now he did something very gallant, sexy, or otherwise praiseworthy.
• You purr: YOU are SO... (flash your million dollar smile)

We ladies are usually VERY quick with words, and we usually have a waterfall of them
constantly running. It can be overwhelming to a guy, which makes your judicious use of
silence particularly powerful.

Mistake #1 : Sacrificing or negating who you are

Mistake #2 : Being a man’s mama

Mistake #3 : When you're not in it to win it

Mistake #4 : When you kill his thrill of the chase

Mistake #5 : Insincere or unspecific praise

Mistake #7 : Premature enunciation